I am currently sitting in my daughters room while drinking wine straight out of the bottle because I didn’t want to wake anyone up pouring it into a glass, My daughter is asleep in my bed and my husband is sleeping on the couch because he needed some “really good” sleep as he put it but apparently I don’t. Saying that the last few weeks have been overwhelming is an understatement, work is getting busier and my husband just transitioned off of his night schedule onto days that is the absolutely toughest of it all; yes tougher than raising a child and tougher than starting a new career. He was on nights for 1 year and 3 months our daughter is 1 year and 1 month old so I pretty much raised her by myself that whole time I was a single parent all that time. We had gotten our routines down and been on our fine and dandy way and then he goes and gets put on day shift, and yet still I am acting as a single parent he has not stepped up to the plate at all not emotionally or physically since being back on not such a rigorous schedule. Since him being on this schedule and around more I feel like I should be happier but I feel suffocated I don’t have the pleasure of doing as I please and continuing that routine I had grown to love and most importantly I HAVE NO ME TIME. I used to put down our daughter and then clean up the house if needed, sit down drink wine, write a blog post or watch a tv show, now I have no time to do that because he is either sleeping on the couch or I am so exhausted from the day of doing more chores than ever because he is an absolute complete slob who doesn’t pick up after himself now and just need to go to bed…or the worst of all HE IS PLAYING VIDEO GAMES TAKING UP MY ME TIME AND SPACE. Ugh I feel like it’s this universal joke you know the husband who plays too many video games but it is my reality he is addicted he comes home from work and all he wants to do is play his stupid game not spend time with his family, so we finally caved and bought another gaming system put it in our room and now he can go there or vice versa but still not the solution he needs to grow up and not playing video games in all his free time, YES we are entitled to do things that make us happy other than being a husband, father, wife and mother but there is a time, place and balance to be implemented not just do as you please. I just feel like I am drowning in all this extra work with him being on this new schedule and I want to scream until I wake up or he goes back on nights or just get some help and yes I ask for it and nothing changes. Thank god for wine and this blog to keep me sane and for somewhere to say my thoughts.

Okay, So I like any person these days google things to find the answers but I have noticed that even sometimes google doesn’t have the answers like “What should I eat for dinner?” or “Can I be a stay at home mom and a successful Real Estate Agent?” I mean at this point in time I feel that google should know me and tell me the answers so I can reassure myself I am doing the best job and also to just make my decision of what to eat since yes like most girls I am the very joke everyone makes of “I don’t care” but I really do when asked. Anyway that is really the intention behind my blog to write about what isn’t mostly written about on the internet just the honest truth and my honest non filtered thoughts about life like most blogs I have read it’s about how perfect their lives are and don’t get me wrong their lives could be that perfect but mine is most definitely not and I feel that most humans can relate to that. Most days I get frustrated and feel like I am far from the bar of being even a decent mother or wife. Since I am trying to start my career and be a full time mom, I have chosen the hard path. I know all these facebook and Pinterest quotes say “You are good enough, you tried your best today…Blah Blah Blah” it doesn’t make me feel any better maybe for a second but in reality its some anonymous perfect haired girl who created that post that hasn’t ever had kids, been married OR even experienced heart break but has really good handwriting. I am over that and want some real answers and some real motivation that even a wreck like me can make it work with no motivational quotes and just some good old blogging. Also to add that I have real feelings I am a mom and a happily married woman but still do have those nights where I miss my ex and drink too much; NEWS FLASH it’s normal and today’s society tells you that any of those things or feelings are not normal when they are…. you will always have other parts of your life that you have lived and that other person you used to be but you can be happily married or even happily single and have these feelings of self doubt and regret from the past and still be OK in life. So hang on and let’s do this.

Trying to understand life & the things that google can’t tell me.